Dear Sweet Impaler.......

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 18:35:17 GMT

Its been a while...

I talked with Krista this morning, and I'm feeling a whole lot better about this whole Eric thing. Who knew that of all people, Krista would be the one who could get through to me.

Its hard, though. I finally found a boy that I like, and that likes me too...and it had to turn out like this.

It isn't me. I just have to get over him now, I guess...

Tonight I'm going ice skating with Krista, her boyfriend, and hopefully someone else, because I think it would be really awkward if it were just the three of us. I hope I have fun. I know when I get nervous that I have a tendency of keeping quiet.

I'm so mad that I'm crying right now....

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 19:58:54 GMT

It's not even that big of a deal..it's just really upsetting me. I guess I'm over emotional due to my period...

My mother bought one of those baby ads in the yearbook...and I didn't even want one, but since she was going to do it anyway, I told her she could only do it if she found a nice picture of me.

What does she do?

She found the worst picture of me imaginable and sent it in.

All I wanted was to graduate with what little dignity I have left...but I guess that's not happening after people get the yearbook.

Ewww...and everyone in the yearbook class has seen it. I'm gonna go die now.

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 22:18:24 GMT

I got tickets to see the Lion King on August 1st in San Francisco from my grandparents for christmas. And in December, Ashley and I made plans to go with each other.

Well, last night she fucking canceled on me...with a text message none the less. She couldn't even fucking call me.

I've been waiting since Christmas for this...and now it's a week from today and I have no one to go with.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 01:11:57 GMT

All I can do is slap on a fake smile...

as I do every fucking day.

ignore me...I'm just complaining

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 03:21:12 GMT

I don't want to move, for the pure fact that I have to pack...I seriously hate packing. It's so final. The last time I see these objects will be when they are unpacked and put in a new space. It's strange to me. I'm happy with the place we're in right now. I won't be living with my parents much longer anyway...

My dad isn't willing to take me to tour any of the colleges I am thinking of attending. And then he yells at me for not knowing which school I want to go to. I tell him over and over again that I won't know which ones I want to narrow my fatty list down to until I actually see them, and then he screams even more.

On top of that I'm worried about even getting into the schools I want. If i don't get into at least one of my schools...I'd die.

Then I hear about the money problems from my parents. And I have to help out with some stuff financially because I have a job now. Becca isn't allowed to have fun and spend the money she earned.

I even feel used by other people...

I'm sick of being alone...

Lately I've been in this total pit of insecurity. I hate everything about myself...and I'm sick of feeling this way. But I can't find anything to like...

I'm just unhappy...

And bitter.

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 22:10:58 GMT

We got the house my mom fell in love with...so, we'll be moving in like a month. My dad won't let me paint the walls though. I really wanted a green room too. And I was thinking about painting something (maybe a butterfly) on my wall. But he won't let me. I hate white walls. They drive me nuts!

I took my senor pics today...that was kind of awkward. All the pics I had to choose from really sucked. I hated all of them, but I had to pic the least shitty.

I'm still feeling really crappy too....

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 16:32:57 GMT

I feel so alone right now...

::audible sigh::

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 02:57:08 GMT

I havn't done jack shit all weekend. It seems like such a waste of precious summer time.

I was supposed to go to Santa Cruz with Aubs, Ashley, and Angela. But Ash called Aubrey Friday night to cancel on us. She didn't even call me. I'm not angry, but I wish she would have at least canceled on me instead of Aubrey. So, on Saturday I wasn't really up to going to SC. I was in a really bad mood, and I knew that it would make it so much worse. And I wanted to wait until Ashley could go to SC too. After all, we came up with the idea to go together for my bday.

So, I've been moping around the house for the past two days. I've been feeling really down and hideous, which makes me hide inside in fear that people will see me.

happy birthday to me.....

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:34:20 GMT

It's been an OK day...

I had to work, but that wasn't too bad. Ash and I bought sandwiches and had a picnic...Zonatto's (sp?) is the best!

I had to get home before 5:30 so that we could go see this house that my mom fell in love with. But the lady showing the house never showed...so we were standing around for like 45 minutes. And then everyone was getting grumpy, except for me, because I'm 17 now, and I don't want to ruin the one day that I get the whole year.

And later I'll be going out to dinner with Ashley, Aubs, Steve, and Angie. It'll be lots of fun.

I feel very loved...I've never gotten so many "happy birthdays" as I've gotten today before. And people were calling me to wish it...it made my day.

this is all useless information...but feel free to read anyway

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 20:56:16 GMT

The freeway is a scary place...

I was on my way home from work yesterday and the scariest thing I ever seen happened directly behind me. A truck lost it's tire (he was in the right hand lane)..then he swerved in and out of cars, and sparks were flying everywhere, hitting like three on his way over to left side. Then he hits the cement divider and flips over. The truck was centimeters from my bumper at one point. If I would have been going a tad bit slower I would have been hit. It scared me to death, and now all I can do is think about the man driving the truck, and whether or not he's alright. I love driving on the freeway, but it's scary when shit like this happens.

In other news...

My mom is getting in on the action at looking at new places to live. We went and looked at a house today, which was actually really REALLY nice. But she didn't like the fact that the master bedroom is smaller than the one they have. Their room right now is half of our upstairs! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND ANOTHER ONE LIKE IT FOR THE PRICE YOU WANT....SO MAKE A FUCKING SACRIFICE. My mom doesn't understand that my brother and I just want to live in a real house for once in our lives, and have a real backyard. And she's worried about all the unnecessary shit we've accumulated over the past two years, and where it would go. So, I put in my two cents..."THE TRASH." Of course she yelled at me for that. All we need is space for stupid knick knacks. AAAH!

I saw Justin last night when I went over to Aubrey's house. He still looks really good. I think I'll always have a thing for him...

Work is dull...

Some may say that working in a music archive would be really neat, but it's not. It's boring as hell. All I do is file...and call out numbers when somebody else is filing. And I get paper cuts all over my hands. That's it. But I'm getting paid really generously. So, it's worth it.

My birthday is on Thursday...whoopdie doo. I have to work. And I don't know what else I'll be doing. I know Friday is dinner with Sam and Rashi. And on Saturday I'm going to Santa Cruz with Ash, Angie, and Aubs. I'm always upset on my birthday...hopefully this year will be good.

And I miss all my friends...All of them. Even the ones that I get to see a lot, I miss. It seems like everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Aubrey when it wasn't normal for Gil to come over every night. I miss the Ashley who wasn't all hard core christian and dating Steve. I miss Hannah and Sarah...and Sam...and Rashi! And things are not going to be the same.

Completely random...but here's a question.

If you could be any kind of tree, what would it be?

I don't want to move....

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 03:54:10 GMT

My dad is in this new kick. He no longer wants to live in our current residence. He's been talking about moving for a couple of months, but no one thought he was actually serious.

We've barely lived here for two years, and it's finally beginning to feel like home to me, and he wants to move.

My mom is putting her foot down (for once), and she won't move unless the place is great.

I hate moving...

But it's better than the time when we didn't have a place to live at all. I had to bounce around from place to place...living with whoever wanted me at the moment.

Aubrey quote of the day, "Give me back my glowstick...or else I'll fart on you."

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 02:17:10 GMT

I had a blast in Madera...but it feels good to be home.

I havn't really updated in a while...

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 00:08:13 GMT

Let's see...

I havn't done too much in the past few days that are worth writing about.

I've been working. It's boring, but I'm getting paid a lot...so I don't mind it as much. I have a ton of cuts all over my hands, though. Stupid record sleeves.

Since my family doesn't do anything for the fourth of July I'm going with the Fischer family to Madera. It will be fun. Aubrey and I will impair our judgment with mudslides everynight. Good times, good times.

This has nothing to do with anything...but if I hear about anything else "low carb" I'm gonna have to hurt someone...

Good Eye Sniper....I'll Shoot You Right

Sat, 26 Jun 2004 01:52:55 GMT

I've been working at the music archive for 3 whole days now. I think that's a new record for me. I'm liking it, though. My boss is on vacation, so we're being supervised by this guy who looks like a cross between Ned Flanders and a praying mantis. I kid you not. And he sneaks up behind us and scares the shit out of me all the time.

I told Adam that we should just be friends. I think I made him cry. He's just so boring! And we're two completely different people and it wouldn't work anyway...

Aubrey comes home soon! I'm so happy!!! I miss her so much!

=)

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 22:42:51 GMT

I got a new job! (yes another one...)

I'm now working at the music archive on the Stanford campus. I get to work with Ashley every now and then so it should be fun.

I'm excited...and I make a lot more than minimum wage. SCREW YOU ANCHOR BLUE!!!!

Note to Hannah and Sarah:
I can still go shopping tomorrow, but I have to go fill out some paper work at Stanford around 1 ish...but when I get out I'll be completely free...is that ok with you two? Oh...Can Rashi come too?

I <3 summer

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 16:53:02 GMT

It feels like I havn't been at school in weeks...but its only been like 3 days! I also have only been home to sleep in the past three days too, so maybe that's why...I dunno.

Adam and I made our relationship official....

Last night my mom and I went on a "drive by"...we dumped off some old stuff that she wanted to get out of the garage, and I drove the getaway car...I think that was one of the best times I have ever spent with her.

Rashi and I kidnapped Sam and we went swimming...

I so want to go "shopping" again...I'm getting really bad.

This summer is going to be so great...

I want to hang out with Hannah and Sarah soon! Dammmit!

ITS SUMMER!

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 03:26:19 GMT

I am such a klepto now...

Rashi and I went "shopping"...and we plan on doing it again tomorrow. I think I like this too much...

OK...so Sarah and Hannah know about me and Adam. And since they're the only ones who actually read my LJ that know him...it doesn't matter if I say anything anymore. We're dating, and its fun, but I know he wants a relationship. I do too, but I'm afraid I'm going to do something to fuck it up....

I think I'll talk about it with him tomorrow....

AND IT IS SO SUMMER RIGHT NOW!!!!

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 03:20:28 GMT

I have a new stereo in my car! Yay! Steve and I installed it yesterday...good times good times.

Ok...in a few of my past entries I've mentioned the guy that I liked that didn't like me...well, he DOES like me. He just didn't know how I felt, so he didn't want to say anything. Anyway...we've been hanging out a lot, we're not too sure what is going to become of our relationship, so we're just going to see what happens.

This is intense....like camping.

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 00:18:11 GMT

Hannah, Rashi, and I had a picinc on the top level of Oakridge's parking garage. I had a lot of fun.

A lot happened and I really don't want to get into it now...but I'll talk about it later.

I'm such a spaz!

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 01:52:44 GMT

Ok so I went to my orientation at Anchor Blue...and it couldn't have been worse!

First of all...I got there like 30 minutes late...which I told the manager would happen because I literally get out of school when the orientation started. And the manager didn't write it down or remember so he was giving me a hard time about it. Then I filled out all this paperwork...and they asked to see my social security card and my license...I gave them my license...but I couldn't find my social security card. I never take it out of my wallet...but I guess I did. So, they basically told me that they'll give me a call about the next orientation...but their tone sounded like they didn't want to hire me anymore...And when I left I noticed that I had green paint on my skirt that I didn't notice. So I am an irresponsible slob who is never on time. I had a good laugh, though. Because only shit like this would happen to me.

so Sarah is my stalker?!?!?!

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 01:05:37 GMT

lonely_bea's LJ stalker is transient_rain!

transient_rain is stalking you because they think you are the one who made anonymous abusive LJ comments. They are also not very liked around here!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

Emotional girls should all wear mood rings!

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 23:55:43 GMT

I have issues...

The boy I like just likes me as a friend. That's the nice way of saying "you're an ugly son of a bitch, so I'll just be your friend."

I did everything I was told to do...I flirted, which Becca does not do unless she really likes someone. I made it really REALLY obvious that I liked him. He flirted back...the bastard. And I got the wrong signals.

Nothing works for me...

No one will ever like me. I'll be one of the few that never finds anyone...and I'll have to live with dozens of cats...and I'll call them my babies (ewww). AAAAAAH! ::pulls hair out::

I mean really...what is it about me that repels the male race?

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 03:30:05 GMT

I don't know why I'm so upset over something I never had...

I'm feeling even more unattractive than I usually do...

What do I not have that other girls do? Because apparently I'm not good enough for anyone...

And I feel so alone.

I am unnecessary in this world.

No one wants me or needs me...

There is no point to my existence.

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 19:44:04 GMT

I know I shouldn't be upset over this whole boy thing...but I am.

What is wrong with me?

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 03:04:44 GMT

Alrightie...

I found out that the boy I have been crushing on doesn't like me.

It's kind of sad.